The Black Moonstone
by AliceBowie
Summary: Harry is having the worst summer ever. Will he and his friends find the Black Moonstone, the key to defeating Voldemort, or will love and hormones distract them for the last time?


One day during the most horriblest summer of Harry's life ever, harry's scar hurt. Harry decided to ignore this (even though this had never really worked out in the past) (authors note:lol : ))and think bout how Sirius had died and how much it sucked. This some how reminded him of how hott Ginny, Luna, Hermione, and all the girls of Hogwarts are. Harry day dreamed and began to think how fun it would be to pinch Mrs. Figgs ass. Harry also decided later on that night that he should practice playing with his (ahem) wand.(authors note:giggle, lol, rotflmao!)

Suddenly with out any one in the house noticing lupin came in."hello harry im replacing Sirius in ur life and you will be fine with this even though your full of angst." "hooray!" harry replied."buti am still full of angst because I am still sad about Sirius and also voldina is still trying to kill me. I am going to cut myself and throw up cuz im to fat. I also will find the strength of 10 grinches plus 2 and bulk out."

Harry magically bulks up and has vomit and blood stains on him. Lupin looks at harry strangely while sniffing the air. "gee harry did u have have sex with Sirius what is that smell. Also –"sniffs the air again "did u have a burrito once last summer my wolf powers are amazing and I can hear and see and smeeel every thing even when I am not a wolf like now and I am also really strong and harry all over." Harry looked at lupin and he looked less poorr and tired than helooked before it must have been a good summer.

"harry did u come out of ur mothers womb 15 years ago." (oh by the way it was harrys birthday)for some reason they are at the weasleys. Fred and george were having twin cest in the living room while ginny is still inlove with harry but not really but maybe. Hermione has become hot and is no longer a book worm because she is hott and shops at hot topic because she is punk roooock. "yeah baby" said fred or george I don't know can u tell them apart. "the muggles will go crazy when we sell this on the market dad." "yeah it is a candy that will make every one punk rock like Hermione who is now hott!"

Suddenly luna was there and is the only ugly person because she is not pretty enough to be harrys girlfriend because she is weird and crazy. "Bla bla bla weird weird weird weird." Hermione was having a punck rock bitch fit with ginny over who was hotter and ron slapped ginny. Hermione put her foot down." That is not how u slap ginny ronold! Its like this!" Hermione slapped ginny hard. "girl power! Steal rons lines steal rons lines!" she ran around the room screaming like a maniac and suddenly harry felt like he was at home. And then suddenly they all noticed harry.

"oh good u r here and now we must all pledge our allegiance to u." fred and george interrupted "sorry harry were busy making new uh candy!" "oh my god im pregnant!" every one turne around to see the new baby that popped out of george or fred. "AWWWWWWWWWW" and then they sacrificed the baby to make harry stronger which is not the same as what voldina did. Billy came in and she looked way hotter than any one ever in the history of hotness and Hermione screeched her head off which made harry think she is still hott. Dumbledore popped in and did a jig and farted and then left. harry still did not like him because he was a meanie. He did not tell him the truth and even though he always helped harry he still hated him now. Then hagrid should up and was like "oo should not have told u that" every five seconds and was also like "derr im hagrid every one hug me!" (authors notes I do not like hagrid he is not hott)

Then every realized they were in love with some one for no raison! Hermione looked at ginny and slapped her.then the hufflepuffs should up and they didn't do anything cuz they are boring!(au: I do not like them cuz they are not hott)

Ron cut him self but no one cared becuz no body likes ron.then he married luna cuz harry married ginny(ron sighed and giggled touching a picture of harry) and Hermione married draco.because every one knows that no one is friends because they are just in love and even Neville(who is hott) got in love with his froggy thing. "no Ronald! That is not how u swoon over harrys picture !" then the slytherins should up and they were hott.

Draco was good but not good and bad because his daddy kept touching him and he was mad angsty and snape did it too but that was ok because they were in love.even though they both secretly loved harry , and ginny and Hermione and one time Sirius. Lupin was angry cuz he loved snape.so he cut himself too. Then suddenly some one cast a spell on harry and he had to marry draco. They had a baby who for some reason was a girl. Dumbledore told him of a new prophecy containing fart jokes and mysterious eating of sandwhiches and also that to defeat voldina he must have sex with him. Draco said "oh no harry! Think of the children!" (I am hyper on sugar lol!)

Finally every one decided they hated living at the weaselys and even though they all loved the weasleys and every one wants to be them at all times. And suddenly every one forgot bout voldina and it was ok because he was really nice because he was santa clause.sirius came back from the dead and healed lupin who smelled him through the door 12 weeks ago.also so did james and lilly.(lupin did not smell them) they were so happy to see harry and met there granddaughter because they had to get married because of that spell.every one was gay for some reason too.(lol I am so bored lol) Hermione died the next day and every one was sad and some one had sex with her cuz they thought it was kinky. Fred and goerge took pictures. On her grave it said "that's not how u live Ronald" also in her will was a man who came in to slap ginny really hard. Ginny went crazy and jumped up and down on hermiones ccasket. An owl came by and ginny took the letter. Inside was a permanent repeating laughter.

Then an American student cam to replace Hermione . Juleissa Amanda Christina jareth esmerelda emerald smith. She was the most beautifullest girl ever even though she was punk rock. Her long flowing hair was 80 ft long it was pure gold like the moonlight but it was also midnight black but moonlight silver too.billy had to kill herself because she was not as beautiful as Juleissa Amanda Christina jareth esmerelda emerald smith. (lol my fingers hurt from typing her name her nickname is john.) harry had an affair with john and draco cried like a little bitch all through the night until she slept with them too and then made them ungay but they still loved each other.

Hermione came in and she told them they had to study for the newts.so they started and thy all got perfect scores except for ron and luna who are stupid and ugly. But it was ok cuz they have each other. But they were still ugly.

They went and watched south park cuz the liked it. Also lily and james had another baby they named it harry 2.then they died. Harry said "aww man….oh well" and started cutting himself.harry 2 was raised by Sirius and lupin. He grew up and married draco too. they were now all the same age for some reason because every one has to be young cuz old is ugly. Then peter came and he vomited all over every one and every one hated him uz he wasn't pretty enough to be angsty so he got a sex change and married voldina and became mrs. clause.

Hermione smiled. " I AM SOO SMART!" (lol) she married snape even though he married draco.she also married dracos father. While dracos mother married Sirius. (lol they are not cousins) lupin married tonks and had werewolf babys with funny faces. Who were now the same age as everyone else. They were named hawk,sparrow and dove.(lol birds are kewl)hawk sparrow and dove married draco. And also harry and Sirius. During the wedding hagrid burst through the doors and interrupted saying " IM HAGRID GIMME HUG!"they all said no u r ugly and finished the ceremony. But at the end they all hugged hagrid cuz every one also loved hagrid all the time.

Then lily and james cam back to life again.they were happy and hugged harry one an two.then they married Dumbledore and lupin. Lupin was happy cuz he still cut himself sometimes.every one was happy and angsty and stuff.except the slytherins who were hott.

(lol my fingers are tired) the end.(lol)

Au; please do not flame me u r just jealous cuz I am hott and u r not. I am a good writer u are just mean.

Stay tuned for part 2! Hagrids revenge!


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